What follows are some samples of real students’ attempts at this. Each definitely create a special “effect or feeling”–though I don’t think it’s what the writer was shooting for.
These were not written by my students. But the collection reminded me that I should really be saving more student work.
It really doesn’t get much better than this:
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way
a bowling ball wouldn’t.McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another
city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m.instead of 7:30.Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other
from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on
a land mine or something.He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was
the East River.Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.The ballerina raised gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with power tools.He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to
put in any pH cleanser.She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple
it to the wall.Update 1/30
I ran accross some more. This list includes the author’s names.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. -Wayne Goode, Madison,AL
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. -Russell Beland, Springfield
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.-Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.-Unknown
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of “Jeopardy!” -Jean Sorensen, Herndon
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. -Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. -Barbara Collier, Garrett Park
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before. -Marian Carlsson, Lexington
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton. -J. F. Knowles, Springfield
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium. -Unknown
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. -Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. -Sue Lin Chong, Washington
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13 responses so far ↓
1 kenzielee // Jan 19, 2007 at 4:27 pm
As an English Lit. major I found this post very funny. Thanks for the humor!
Glad you liked it. These have been floating around now for awhile. I think I saw most of them for the first time about 6 years ago on a writers forum.
Chris
2 Student “Work.” Sometimes they say the darndest things. « Chris Wondra . com // Mar 4, 2007 at 3:37 pm
[...] You gotta love ‘em. Sometimes they write the darndest things (these students are mine, these [...]
3 You won’t find any snarky, grammar/spelling Nazis here. « Chris Wondra . com // Mar 4, 2007 at 7:47 pm
[...] that said, let’s also agree that I can still make fun of you when you mess [...]
4 Josh // Mar 8, 2007 at 12:25 am
I have a few of those “figure of speech” things In a book on of my mothers friends made, which is copyrighted. It includes 2 of the “Figures of speech” that you have listed above. The Bowling ball one, and the jeopardy one, Where created by the combined efforts of Paul Tumey, Frank young, and James Gill. The book is called “Yot Yot Yot!: Comics by robots who love women who hate robots” You probably wont be able to find any traces of it on the internet, but it does exist, and it would be greatly apprieciated by a few fine gentleman if you would make sure to label that it was created by them.
Thanks a bundle,
Josh
Josh,
This is great information. Very important. Might you have (or be able to get) a link (like on Amazon) or some way to contact the authors or publishers of this book? I’ll do better than give them credit. I’ll link to them so people interested in buying the book can do so.
Heck, I might be interested in ordering one myself.
Any additional info would be great here Josh.
Again, thank you very, very much!
Chris
5 Josh // Mar 8, 2007 at 12:34 am
And a few more they made just for kicks and giggles
“Her anger was as concealed, As an elephant stuffed discreetly into an umbrella stand”
“The more he thought about her, the more thinking he did, and the more she was in his thoughts. Except, of course, for the times he started thinking about something besides her.”
“Her Eyelashes fluttered like the hairs on an Arabian rug merchant’s toes in a desert wind.”
“Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this would be buried in the credits as something like, Second Tall Man.”
“Belches that would make a venetian cry, like a man who didn’t like belches.”
“His spirits soared like a plane no one forgot to charter- for reasons that were obvious to no one but himself.”
” The advertising Exec. Had a bad potty mouth, like a robot with a bat potty mouth, or like a can of poisoned potted meat.”
And lastly the best of all
“The chocolate tasted like a powerful mad ruler of Germany in the 1940’s.”
You don’t have to put them up or anything, I just wanted to give a few others some laughs
Wow!
Thank you very much for that. Those are great! I love it when readers contribute like you.
Please come back and comment again!
CW
6 asupremenewyorkthing // Mar 13, 2007 at 10:19 pm
Your students gave me some great laughs. I think it’s funniest when it’s unintentional.
7 Jean Paul // Mar 16, 2007 at 3:05 pm
I just fell off my chair laughing. Thank you!
This reminds me of those little tidbits of laughter from Reader’s Digest:
” I was explaining to my son the problems that his grandmother, of 82, was having adapting to her new hearing aid.
-Now she’s hearing things that she hasn’t heard in years-I explained.
-Of course-he answered.- For example, like grandpa.
8 Josh // Mar 21, 2007 at 11:22 pm
The Book was made in the late 90’s, and wasn’t that big of a book. In fact, Its not even a book, more like a compilation of Comics.
Paul Tumey, Who is a friend of mine ( hence why I was able to get a copy),
should have some information on how to get another one, seeing as it wasn’t that grand. His phone number is (206) 784-9629, and he will answer with something along the lines of “Tumey Communications, how may I help you”, all you need to do, is tell him that you are interested in his book ” Yot Yot Yot: A comic for robots about women who hate robots” and where you can get a copy. Also telling him that you where referred by Josh would probably help. After that He will (hopefully) give you the contact info of some one who still has it.
Just a note, It isn’t really a serious book, It’s just a little diddy a few friends whiped up a while back.
9 betenoire // Apr 19, 2007 at 9:37 pm
these are a scream! thanks.
i’m going to send them on to the Phrontistery.
i’m sure Josh’s friend will be thrilled to no end to learn that his phone number is up on the internet for all to see, assuming he is actually a person and not some kind of phone bot scam.
cheers!
Thanks Betenoire,
Glad you enjoyed it. But what is the Phrontistery?
Chris
10 Josh // Apr 21, 2007 at 12:20 am
Actually betenoire, Thats his business phone, and he runs his business out of his house.
If you look up Paul Tumey(his name), Or Tumey Communications(his business) on google, you will get that number
11 Cheryl // Oct 29, 2007 at 2:34 pm
Many of these appear to be from It Was A Dark and Stormy Night.
For those who don’t know, people compete in for the worst sentence with which to begin a book and all the entries are compiled in Dark and Stormy or its sequels (Son of Dark and Stormy, Bride of Dark and Stormy, etc.)
They are AWESOME!
12 North Star // Oct 30, 2007 at 5:27 pm
I am quite a reader myself and I’ve read many with great names but not with many like that. I read comics if you can tell by the name. I’ve read great story titles and they each mean a lot to a book like in the book The Outsiders, one of my favorite books, ” all i was thinking about was Paul someone, i cant remember their name, and a ride home.
13 CallMeNotBob // Feb 19, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Haha i remember in summerschool History … [july 2008] we had to write a diary about a soldier writing to his family or the other way around or whatever..and after we got them marked and handed back to us..we shared the sentences the teacher circled and almost all wwere pretty funny. like one of the mwas ” ..I watched as my friend ran through the trench to deliver the message to the general. Suddenly, a gunshot sound, that sounded just like a bullet that had been fired from a gun, rang and I saw the fatal shot hit my friend. My friend had been shot dead. I went up to him to see if he was dead. … ”
It was then followed by a paragraph of him watching a fatal bullet shoot another friend dead.
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