How to kill a house wasp-like a ninja

October 14th, 2007 · 25 Comments

Periodically we’ll get a wasp in the house. You know how it is.

One moment, you’re snacking on toast with peanut butter and chocolate chips, and the next, all hell breaks loose because a wasp starts dive-bombing random targets around the room.

The toast? Fuggetaboutit. One eye’s on the wasp, the other, frantically scanning the room for potential weapons–a fly swatter, a magazine, a shoe, a flame-thrower–something.

Anything.

For the briefest of moments, you even consider that toxic bug spray in the closet. Then you spot it. Sitting on the coffee table, not three feet away, is Al Gore’s, An Inconvenient Truth. The weapon of choice for desperate wasp killers.

Perfect.

You grab it, crouch, and wait for the wasp to land. For a moment, it hovers near the blades of a ceiling fan. Then, as if in a in a drunken stupor, it bobs and weaves toward the wall. For what seems an eternity, it darts around a window. Maybe it dives at an armchair.

Adrenalin laced thoughts whiz through your skull.

Why can’t it just land and make it easy for me.

If it lands on the curtains, I wonder if I can still squish it between the book and the wall?

Do wasp guts stain?

Maybe I should take a swing at it in mid-air.

Maybe, though, I’d just piss it off.

If I pissed it off, would it attack–fly down the front of my shirt, sting me mercilessly until it finally crawled up my neck and into my ear?

I wonder how that teacher dude in Karate Kid picked off that fly with a pair of chopsticks.

I wish I was him right now.

Meanwhile the wasp, understanding this internal monlog completely, bounces nonchalantly against the ceiling, making its way back to the center of the room.

Suddenly it dives right at you, causing you to flail your arms and make panicky grunting noises.

The wasp, chuckling with satisfaction, glides back up to the ceiling fan, lands on one of the lights, turns, and gives you the finger.

What are you going to do? Trash a perfectly good light fixture? Even if you did take a swing, the bastard’s protected by the other lights, fan blades, and curved nature of the glass around the bulb.

And now you begin to grasp the reality of the situation: You could be at this all night.

Curses. Bloody Red Barron.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. And today I make my revenge by revealing an ancient technique I learned while studying in the orient. The same one I used on that actual unsuspecting wasp in the picture above.

Warning: the following pictures are of a graphic and violent act perpetrated against a real wasp that actually flipped me the bird.

Follow these steps exactly–there is no room for error. Failure to do so could result in death by wasp sting to the inner ear.

Quickly find a scissors.
Sneak up behind the wasp.
Using one fluid motion, thrust the scissors forward, snip, and slice the son-of-a-whore in two.

Usually all that’s left after that is to pick up the pieces. The only tricky part is getting close enough with your opened scissors before it takes flight. As risky as this seems, most wasps are so blinded by arrogance they never suspect any trouble. It’s not their experience that men, sneaking around light fixtures with toast crumbs on their face, are actually highly trained killing machines.

It’s not their experience that men, sneaking around light fixtures with toast crumbs on their face, are actually highly trained killing machines.

While I’ve never actually been stung doing this, you should know, while very slick, this technique is not completely foolproof.

Take tonight for instance.

After the wasp landed in the ceiling fan, I looked around for a scissors–but the only one I could find was one of those plastic- child-not-really-sharp-ones. Still, I didn’t think it would make a difference.

Maybe it didn’t. Maybe I just missed my mark. But what happened next wasn’t exactly by the book. Instead of cutting it in two, I somehow managed to only pinch its antennae between the tip of the scissor blades.

Don’t ask me how. It’s never happened before. In fact, I later called the office of Strange But Totally Cool Ways to Kill Dangerous Insects and they told me that the odds of this happening are actually like a bazillion to one.

Anyway, after having my daughter take a picture. I found another scissors in an old Swiss Army Knife and took care of business.

So, my friends, there you have it.

Domestic men of the world rejoice. For no longer are we at mercy of this dangerous menace. No longer will we piss ourselves when we hear that loathsome buzzing. Today, the playing field has been leveled–just remember to wipe the food off your face.

25 responses so far ↓

1 Sam Sizer // Oct 14, 2007 at 3:34 am

Hah! I found this particularly entertaining since wasps are always getting into my house! Two of my carnivorous plants, Cephalotus and Nepenthes, produce copious amounts of nectar which drives them NUTS! They chew holes in the screen to get to the plants. A few get eaten, but, most just drink the nectar, get drunk from it and fall over. Many more venture around the house. Usually I use this piece of plastic that once had a telescope lens in it to kill them. I used to be terrified of wasps, the sight of one would scare me, I would hide and get someone to kill it for me. After seeing them frequently drowned in the pitchers of my carnivorous plants and after I had to squish four, or even five in a row flying around my room, I decided to get some guts about it. Now it’s just a minor annoyance, they do seem a bit arrogant, which makes for an easy death. In fact, I killed one today! And three the day before, and my plants have killed dozens over the spring/summer. I find decapitating them to be the most effective, occasionally the nerves in their body might make for a sad, sort of awful humor as they try to fly, spinning in circles on your windowsill or wherever it was killed. Surprisingly, I haven’t been stung in nearly a year.
2 "C" // Oct 14, 2007 at 7:48 am

Lordy Lordy! A man like you is HANDY to have around the home! Good job. Well done.
3 www.bestplasmatvdeals.info » How to kill a house-wasp without breaking anything // Oct 14, 2007 at 2:48 pm

[…] Christopher Wondra wrote a fantastic post today on “How to kill a house-wasp without breaking anything”Here’s ONLY a quick extractA dangerous bug starts totally waging war on you–buzzing, hovering, and maniacally dive bombing around the living room. The toast gets forgotten. You’ve got one eye on the wasp, the other frantically scans the room for potential … […]
4 Mitch // Oct 14, 2007 at 5:38 pm

YAY GOOD STOREY
5 Mrs. Chili // Oct 15, 2007 at 6:08 am

Oh, GOOD LORD! THAT’S some funny stuff right there (not the least reason being that, usually, the only scissors *I* can find at any given moment are the little plastic kid scissors, too)! Thanks for this!

Ah, Mrs. Chili,

You see, you’ve just exposed yourself there–because like Sherlock Holmes, I have amazing powers of observation.

Based on your statement above, I’m most certain that you currently have, or once had children. Or perhaps you currently have grandchildren. Or maybe it’s neighbor kids. It’s most certainly one of those. But there is still the outside possibility that you aren’t really a small community college professor at all, but a patient in an insane asylum posing as a teacher on the internet.

In any case–thanks for dropping by!

Chris
6 Herman Najoli // Oct 16, 2007 at 1:01 pm

Wasps happen almost daily in our backyard. As a matter of fact, the most common four letter word in our backyard is WASP! Normally we don’t keep any scissors in the backyard, so when wasps happen , we WASP them. (Wisely And Smartly Perish them). Of course we have to do this with skills, otherwise the headline in the next day’s paper would be WASP!: Wasp Attacks Silly People!

Hey Herman,

You gotta have skills!

I went to battle a couple of weekends ago. There seemed to be hundreds (well at least dozens) of them swarming the outside of a sun-warmed wall. They were flying around, then everyonce in awhile tackling each other. Sometimes they’d lock up and fall to the ground where I’d step on them and get a two for one. Other times they’d fall but separate before they hit the ground and fly off again. I wonder what they were doing–besides postponing our housepainting project.

Talk to you later!

Chris

Chris
7 Bridgette // Oct 16, 2007 at 5:46 pm

Killing a wasp is all “An Inconvinient Truth” is good for. I hate Al Gore and I don’t believe in global warming. Everyone gets pissed at me when I say that, so I continue to do so. Al Gore was like, Clinton’s wingman, need I say more? I have a joke for you. Okay, What is the difference between Clinton and a carp? (Ponder it)
One is a bottom feeding scum sucker and the other is a fish!
(Laugh Wildly)
I got a job at a coffee shop this summer and we had a wasp problem and no one would buy fly swatters so, I used my resources. I used a small hand held vacume cleaner and I had skills in wasp catching. Except Ashley got attacked by like 4 of them when she cleaned out the vacume, so the next day she brought in a fly swatter. How’s that for problem solving?
8 Raising A Healthy Family » Carnival of Family Life Fall Festival // Oct 22, 2007 at 6:40 am

[…] Wondra presents How to kill a house-wasp without breaking anything posted at Chris Wondra . […]
9 Kathryn // Oct 22, 2007 at 7:24 am

I’m sure some people reading this think that you are joking about the wasp giving you the finger, but I know it’s true. And they often coordinate their attacks with other wasps, just to keep it interesting. I keep a fly swatter in every room of the house just for such occasions AND I can take one out during mid flight ;).

Oh, for the record, a dead wasp can still sting so avoid their stingers at all costs!

Hi Kathryn,

Thanks for the visit and for commenting. You’re right, I wasn’t joking. They totally like to challenge you. My wife and I just did some outside painting on ladders and they would fly around, land, and watch you climb up the ladder until you were nose to nose with them. Then, soon as I raised the fly swatter, they’d be gone.

I know about the stinger too. They remind me of the insect version of the terminator. If you don’t cut them in two with the scissors the right way, they’ll still walk around and buzz as they try to fly while their abdomen is laying nearby with the stinger going in and out, in and out.

Yuck.

Thanks again!

Chris

P.S. I noticed on your blog that you were interested in making some money. My post on how I make money with adsense on this blog might interest you. Just type in adsense into the google search box in the sidebare and choose to search only “chriswondra.com.” Hope that helps!
10 Victoria // Nov 3, 2007 at 7:38 pm

Haha! I loved this story, it was very entertaining and I’m inspired to be this brave next time one of them flies into my house. Either that or let my dog eat it, she loves eating bugs!
11 ritsuka // Feb 8, 2008 at 6:14 pm

man u seriously know how to kill wasps the ninja way ^.^
that wasp’s cousin was probably watching from the window
p.s watch out he might bring the whole family over for revenge O.O
so good luck ^^
12 Pimp // Feb 12, 2008 at 4:25 pm

Dude, thats awesome. I am a ninja and I have never thought of that before. Ninjas are awesome. Pirates are cool too, but ninjas are better. I love ninjas.
13 ononymous // Feb 27, 2008 at 9:36 am

Why didn’t you just run to the closet and grab the bug spray? Or have someone else do it while you keep your eye on him?!
14 Melissa // Mar 7, 2008 at 2:17 pm

that waz a pretty scary story i would have to say! i never thought killing a wasp was so violent
15 Ben C // Mar 7, 2008 at 2:21 pm

wow mr wondra…that was a beautiful artical. i never knew you were a ninja…next time we have a fly in the room you better get your scisors. haha
16 Tom the Brat // Apr 1, 2008 at 3:59 pm

Oh my! I did this once. Wasp landed, and not knowing what else to do, I picked up a pair of scissors and snipped it two. Amazing how easy that was.
17 Jake Wisse // Apr 3, 2008 at 8:38 pm

You wrote this so long ago, and yet its still my favorite article ever. Madison and Skyler were cracking up as I read it to them. Classic.

Love the new site, too!!! Think, Thank, Thunk.

Thanks Jake
18 Amber // Apr 18, 2008 at 6:34 pm

hahah! I was laughing th ewhole way through! Bravo! I love it. I just battled some wasps on my porch, my boyfriend thinks i’m crazy now! But who cares! No we can relax and drink our wine in peace! Keep up the awesome work!
19 bron // Apr 21, 2008 at 2:43 pm

hey, i got one of the electric tennis rackets, because im terrified of wasps, now when i see one i grab the racket and charge… thats usually it from there
20 ROSii3 // Apr 22, 2008 at 11:15 am

Actually i stumbled upon your site by accident while looking for ways to kill a wasp i have caught under a glass. what you have written is amazing i dont think ive laughed about something so everyday-ish like that ever before. thanks for the tip on how to kill this annoying little bugger!.
21 nairne // May 5, 2008 at 9:45 am

But i dont want to make it angry!
22 megdalena // May 19, 2008 at 2:51 pm

You are crazy hilarious chriswondra!

Thanks Meg!
Chris
23 kara and cassie. // May 21, 2008 at 5:32 pm

were ninjas but we havent seen your wasp.
24 Kat // Jun 12, 2008 at 9:47 pm

I just stumbled upon this old blog entry while I was looking for ways to kill wasps. They come into my job every day and terrorize me like the screaming baby that I am. I pass out from stings and I work alone for hours at a time, so if one of them outsmarts me I could be out cold for hours without medical assistance. What mean animals.

This solution is so awesome that I am going to print it out and post it up at work. Hopefully my coworkers and I can triumph over our uninvited guests with the help of some designated *wasp owning* scissors. Thanks for the tip!
25 A No Name Somebody That You've Never Met // Sep 30, 2008 at 12:26 pm

I by chance came accross your blog site and started reading random articles. I must admit that this site is full of spontaneity. This article specificly caught my attention. It is overly humorous and your extensive discription of thoughts, actions, visuals, ect. made it that much better to read.

I wrote all of this to merely say, thanks for the comic relief on a melancholy Tuesday. It brought laughter and light to my day. Thanks.

Dear Somebody,

Thank you so much for those kind words. I’m glad you enjoyed your visit. Stop back again. Next time you won’t be able to say I’ve never met you because this counts.

Chris

Chris Wondra . com

School teacher, dad, homeowner turns superhero but has to learn his powers along the way